eight fears

I don't know why when I think of fears...I think of bad dreams.

1.  Losing My Children. Have you ever had a dream about losing your child? Your on a crowded beach or in an airport or walking through the mall, you look away for a second and they've disappeared?! Or how about the dream that someone literally tears your baby from your arms and takes off! It feels so real that you wake up in a panic! I could not image having to go through that in real life. So many children go missing every day. It blows my mind when I see little kids outside without any adult figure looking after them. This fear puts a tight knot in my stomach.

Scary, huh?!!
In my nightmares...it's always Catalina that disappears, gets kidnapped, or ends up missing....
which might have something to do with my next fear... 

2.  Being a Bad Mom.  I have an amazing mom! She has always shown me unconditional love. She's been supportive of every life decision I've made. I only wish to be half the woman she is... Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing something right... I'm not talking about the basic stuff like dressing, clothing providing for my seed. I'm afraid of scarring my children mentally. I get super stressed out when my children are whining...to the point where I just wanna shake the shit out of them...I would NEVER do that, but damn they can make my blood boil. I don't have the same sweet, never-ending-patience that my mom had with us kids. I want to raise well rounded children. Kids that aren't spoiled, have what they need, and appreciate what they have. I want them to be happy, to feel loved and secure, to grow up self-confident and prepared to take on the world. I want my babies to make wiser choices than I did. I want them to share my values: be loyal but not taken advantage of, have integrity and strong work ethics, value and respect others, and know their worth. I don't want my babies to grow up hating me or feeling like I was too busy with work to spend time with my family. I want to truly know my children and I want them to know me.

3. Not Living a Happy Life. Sometimes I can be downright miserable and negative and I beat myself up. I get super stressed out about work and money and I bring it home with me. I need to make a stronger effort to be happy or I'm going to destine myself to a miserable life. I need to post some notes like these in places I will frequently see them.

4.  Being a Failure. Failure at life. Failure at work. Failure at raising my children. Failure in marriage. Failure in developing meaningful relationships with friends. Failing to paying bills on time.  Failure at learning to balance all of the above and keep my sanity.

5.  Car Accidents. Catalina and I were in a bad car accident when she was just a year old. Some ass was arguing with his girlfriend instead of paying attention, blew through a red light, and t-boned the driver side of my Focus. Instead of being a decent person and stopping to see if we were all right, he went to the bus station to try and get witnesses to say that I ran the red light. I was taken to the hospital and luckily for me there were lights at the intersection. The fire department that responded to the accident said that if Catalina had had her arm on the arm rest of her car seat then it would have been crushed in the impact. She was wearing a turtleneck that day so luckily the glass didn't shatter and cut her up. She came out unscathed. Ever since then, I feel super paranoid while I'm driving. I constantly picture the people next to me crashing into me. When I see bad car accidents, my eyes tear up.

This is the turtleneck that kept Catalina from getting glass all over her.

Her old car seat...in the back of the Focus.
Like a good little girl, she always sat with her hands in her lap.

6.  Thinning Hair and Losing Teeth.  I HATE when I have dreams about my hair or my teeth falling out. I had to look up some Dream Definitions to help explain this:

To dream that you are losing your hair denotes that you are concerned with the notion that you are getting older and losing your sex appeal and virility. You are preoccupied with aging and your appearance.  Losing your hair also signifies a lack of strength; you do not have the power to succeed in an undertaking. You may be feeling weak and vulnerable.

So it turns out that there are a ton of different meanings to dreams about losing teeth! Here are a few: 

Dreams about teeth, and losing teeth, are a reflection of the dreamer’s anxiety about his or her appearance, and about how the dreamer thinks others perceive him or her.

Dreams of losing teeth can be manifestations of fears of getting old, fears of sexual impotence or other dating related anxieties.

They are representations of fear of embarrassment or making a fool of oneself. 

Dreams of losing teeth represent an exaggeration of already present fears or anxieties brought on by the upcoming event. 

People who are troubled by dreams of losing teeth or teeth falling out should examine their own lives for the source of possible embarrassment or appearance based anxieties.

Interesting. Yeah, I can understand why I hate having these types of dreams.  Have you ever had dreams like that? 

7.  Not Getting Out of Debt.  I'm not a trust fund baby. My parents did not set aside money for my higher education. I was not advised on how to pay for college as I go. I am the first person in my entire family (both sides I believe, my dad's side for sure) to get my degree and I put myself through college...which means I have a shit ton of debt. I fear I'll never get out of this hole!

8.  Not Losing The Weight I've Put On Since Having Children.